So I'm not sure why, but I decided I wanted to try meditating. I researched a little bit online about how to do it, and what you are supposed to do, and figured the best thing to do would be to just try it out. So tonight I did. I don't think I'm very good at it. I kept giggling, and once, Abby Cat jumped on me, which didn't help my focus at all. But every time I realized my mind was wandering, I tried to return my focus to my breathing. I guess I do feel a little more relaxed and calm. But I don't think I'll be having any transcendental experiences any time soon. I'll try again tomorrow night, I suppose.

The Rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying you want to do the meme.


2. I'll respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.


3. You should update your LJ with the answers to the questions.


4. You should include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in the post.


5. When others comment asking to be asked, you will ask them five questions.

I know I still owe some people questions, and I still owe answers to at least thealiwoman. Do I owe anyone else answers?

( The Questions )

( Weights & Measures )

( The Exercise )

( The Mental State )

My heart says:

Goodbye to personal freedoms
Goodbye to any kind of economic recovery
Goodbye to well-educated children
Goodbye to any international friends for America

But my head says that I can't give up the good fight. I must hold President Bush responsible for his initial pledge 4 years ago to be a uniter, and not a divider. I must force him to reconcile himself with the 49% of the nation who did not vote for him. I must continue to participate in the process, both locally and nationally. And in 4 more years, we will do this again, and hopefully achieve a different outcome.

I'm just hoping that none of those Supreme Court Justices retire or die.

Brain surgery and 7 days in the hospital, not including anesthesia and surgeons' fees: $60,312.20

Estimated Insurance Coverage: $17,416.44

Actual Insurance Coverage: $77,728.64

Being over and done with brain surgery with absolutely no side effects: Priceless

I just can't get over the fact that the insurance company paid more than they were billed. They must have sent payment for other charges, too, that aren't on this particular statement. And the hospital expected them to pay less than a third of what was billed. Wow.

Perhaps I am tempting fate by writing this the evening before my MRI, but a significant part of me feels as if I have cheated the system. I am certianly not complaining about the ease with which I have sailed through my brain surgery and recovery. But so many people I have met and read about who have had brain surgery, tumors, etc., have had it much worse than I have. And my surgery was supposed to be one of the riskiest of them all.

We found my tumor early enough for me to have the luxury of doing extensive research.

I had no symptoms before my surgery.

The surgery itself went faster than expected.

The surgeon thinks he was able to remove all of the tumor.

My recovery in the hospital was swift and relatively pain free.

My time with my parents and at my own house has been a breeze.

I've had no symptoms post-surgery, either.

I have no visible scars from the surgery.

The fact that I even had brain surgery at all is very surreal to me. I hardly believe it, even when I read the surgical report. And yet, my life has been on hold for nearly a year because of this. I am so completely ready to move on. I am going to cry a lot if they tell me I have to go to Boston for 9 weeks.

As ladyandromeda and I were moseying through Christiana Mall the other day, I said something interesting about Mondays, and I think it deserves some more thought.

Normally, I hate Mondays. It means my weekend is over, and I have a very busy week ahead of me, during which I have a million things to get done, and I probably won't have time to finish half of them. I have to get up early to go to work, and I have to deal with my way-too-long commute for the next five days. I feel anxious and rushed before I even get out of bed.

Now that I am not working, I look forward to Mondays. They seem like new beginnings: a whole week spread out before me in which to get things accomplished. Weekends seem almost less desirable now, because they take me away from getting my long list of things done. (Not that I don't value the social time I spend with friends... I do!)

On the other hand, now that I have all of this "free" time available, I don't think I have been using it as efficiently as I could be. Part of me wants to chalk it up to taking time to relax to help in my recovery, but honestly, I think I am pretty recovered now. Logically, I think I should be making better use of my time. But, emotionally, I am not really anxious about the fact that I could be getting more done. Maybe that's an attitude I should try to carry over when I do start back at work.

There is a bug on my keyboard and I can't get rid of him. He is in between the F10 key and the = key. Oogie.

I have finally seen a cicada near my house. One squished cicada. It was sad. I saw a few others when I was visiting alannariva on Friday, but she lives in Maryland so it hardly counts.

Speaking of which, it was nice visiting with her. She looks like she's doing pretty well, though I know she must be in a lot of pain. That's why they invented pain medicine though, right? We took a short trip to the grocery store to get some Werther's Originals to soothe her throat. Werther's are so much better than cough drops or throat lozenges, if you ask me (which she did, which is why we went to get them in the first place). I hope her recovery is speedy and as comfortable as possible. We might take a trip to Crate and Barrel next week. I have a gift card to use up.

Friday night, Rob, the Albans, and I had tickets to the fourth and final show in our series at the Wilma. None of us had been terribly impressed with the first three shows, so we were quite pleasantly surprised by Jesus Hopped the A Train. The play, by Stephen Adly Guirgis, is a look at two inmates at Riker's Island who are at very different stages in their incarceration. The younger one, Angel, is going through his trial. The older one, Lucius, is awaiting transport to death row in Florida. The play explores faith and morality in a very convincing fashion without being preachy. The acting was stellar, and the show definitely made our season tickets worthwhile. We haven't decided if we will renew our subscription yet, but it's not outside the realm of possibilities.

Saturday night, we saw Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban with arani, ladyandromeda, their beaus, and Katie. I don't want to give anything away for those who haven't seen it, but quite frankly, I was disappointed. I understand the necessity of leaving things out to turn a 500+ page book into a 2+ hour movie, but I almost think they left out too much. The first two-thirds of the movie felt incredibly rushed, like they were trying to get through the entire school year as quickly as possible so they could get to the good stuff. And I think that does a disservice to the entire school year. Though I thought the CGI they used was good, I didn't really like the images they chose to use, particularly for the dementors and for Harry's Patronus. And the kids almost never wore their robes during this movie. Are they wizards, or are they wizards? On the other hand, the movie had a much darker feeling than the first two, which was definitely a good thing, and as expected, the acting was great. I would have liked to see more Dumbledore, but I'm not sure I wouldn't have been wishing for Richard Harris if there had been. The teachers, besides Lupin, seemed to have very minor roles in this movie. In fact, it seems almost as if they are trying to make you forget that these kids are at school at all, and are just having grand adventures away from their parents. Anyway, I didn't hate it, but I was disappointed.

I have three little bald spots on my head. They are from the pins the surgeons used to hold my head still during my surgery. Though I didn't know it before-hand, they actually screwed my head down to the operating table. I'm glad I didn't know that in advance, honestly. I wonder if the hair will ever grow back there. It hasn't begun to yet, so I am thinking no. It's not like you can tell, though. I have so much hair that a few little missing patches won't kill me.

And finally, a meme stolen from shellefly:

befers's LJ stalker is ladyandromeda!

ladyandromeda is stalking you because you got better results for the 'acronym' thing than them. They are also prank calling you regularly!

I'm sad that I haven't seen any cicadas this year. Maybe they don't come to Delaware...

When I was still at my parents' house in early May, I had begun to notice evidence of cicadas: wings and shells on the driveway, that chiruppy buzzing sound they make... but here, nothing. I remember liking the cicadas 17 years ago when they came around... I would try to catch them in my firefly catcher, and when they ran stupidly into me or my brother, we would giggle and laugh. Their buggy red eyes always looked so forlorn to me. My mother even ordered a cicada encased in lucite that she still has. Cicada-mania has been going strong in Northern Virginia for the last few weeks.

Like so many other things that seem just a little out of place about Delaware, there are no cicadas here.

I've found myself with some down time, due to the fact that I can't go back to work yet, following my brain surgery. I have a lot of projects I'm working on. I always have better follow-through when I am organized. Here's the list, in no particular order:

1. I'm learning Italian. I am trying to do one lesson each morning. So far, I've covered Basics, Basic Phrases, and Transportation Nouns. The problem with learning a language from a CD is that I have no idea how any of these words are spelled, so I may have trouble reading and writing them. I need to remedy that...
   
   
2. Finish cleaning my house. I've made very little progress on this since I got back from my parents' house. I haven't even finished unpacking yet.
   
   
3. Become a smoothie making expert. I love smoothies, and I have been making them most days for breakfast. And I'm making them in a healthy way, not in a calorie-laden way.
   
   
4. Get back on track with eating right and exercising. I've lost 16 pounds since I went to the hospital, and I intend to keep it up. I've been cooking at home much more than I used to (which is much easier when I have a clean and organized kitchen), and I have been trying to do some walking every day. I am not yet allowed to exercise fully.
   
   
5. I've been reading a lot of books. I love to read, and I think I have spent more time reading than anything else. If you have the time, check out The Rule of Four by Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason. It's a great story, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Plus, I went to high school with them, so that's kind of cool.
   
   
6. Finish my cork board. Those of you who have ever been around me when a bottle of wine or champagne is opened know that I always keep the corks. This is because I have this vision of making a cork board out of them. I finally started putting that together today, and if I don't finish it tomorrow, I will have no where to eat dinner because it is spread out all over my kitchen table.
   
   
7. Finish various crochet projects. While I was at my parents' house, I made three baby blankets and a very cool scarf for my mom for Mother's Day. I am more than halfway through the blanket I am making for Rob, and then the line for blankets is long: Dave, my mom, my brother, and probably others that I have forgotten by now. Plus, I bought yarn for all kinds of scarves for myself and for gifts. In a similar vein, I have a needlepoint piece I have been working on for the Albans for a long time, and it would be good to make some progress on that.
   
   
8. Write an inspirational book about my experiences with facing adversity. Perhaps I should join shellefly's Sunday morning write-ins. I don't generally use that time for anything more productive. I think I even have a title: All My Light Bulbs. See if you can figure out why...
   
   
9. Start volunteering again. I don't know if I will have too much time to devote to the shelter once I go back to work, but I know they could use my help now at the height of kitten season.
   
   
10. Maintain a regular sleep schedule. Ever since my surgery, I haven't been sleeping 100% well. I tried taking some sleeping pills a few nights, but they left me needing naps the next day, and I never take naps. I didn't even do it when I was a kid. But keeping to a normal schedule is what will let me have productive days. I'm not doing well with this one tonight.
    
    
11. Do some gardening. For each of the weeds that alannariva and I pulled from my flower beds before my surgery, two more have grown in their place. I need to take care of them, and plant some flowers that are sitting on my porch.
    

I know there are more things on my list, but this will do for now.

Good night!

I have just finished reading Lance Armstrong's book It's Not About the Bike, My Journey Back to Life, and I have decided that I am just like Lance.

I have admired him for some time now for a number of reasons. He is an incredible athlete; I have some interest in cycling; he accomplished amazing things after defeating extremely severe cancer. But I didn't understand just how much he has overcome until I finished reading his book. Lance doesn't pull any punches when he is talking about cancer, chemotherapy, or his feelings during his whole experience with it and recovering from it. He is blunt, brutal, and honest throughout the book. I almost didn't continue after reading the first chapter because I was afraid it would be too grizzly for me, expecially considering that I will be having brain surgery myself in 12 days. But I am glad that I did continue on and finish the book. Lance's situation is much worse than mine is, and he went through treatments that mine will not even come close to. I cannot imagine the physical agony that he described as a result of his chemotherapy treatments. His situation was dire, and he managed to not only survive it, but to also thrive afterwards, achieving more in a few short years than many people achieve in a lifetime. I can do that, too.

Almost since the beginning, I have been saying that I don't want this tumor to define the rest of my life, that once my surgery and radiation are done with, I don't want to think about it anymore. I want to move on and accomplish the great things that I know I am destined to do. Lance Armstrong, though, defines himself completely in terms of his cancer. He says that the old Lance died the day he was diagnosed, and the new Lance was born from the trials of fighting the disease. I'm still not sure that this tumor will be my re-creation (I think I have many of the qualities and much of the insight he gained through treatment already), but I think I should reconsider ignoring its impact completely. I have been saying all along that all of my issues (particularly those related to food) are contained in the tumor, and once it is removed, I will be perfect. Making healthy decisions will come easily to me, and I will lose the weight I need to in order to be healthy and thin. That in itself is incredibly empowering, mentally, and maybe that's what the tumor is giving me.

Lance also says that if he had to pick between cancer and winning the Tour de France, he would pick cancer, because living through that disease is what taught him what he now knows about life. I don't know what I will accomplish once I am finished with my tumor, but I am not sure I would make the same choice as he does. This has been a horrible speed bump in my life, and I don't yet know if I will be irreversibly changed because of it. I do know that I can handle this, and perhaps it happened to me because am strong enough to take it. Not everyone would be. Because I am the one in five million to have this tumor, someone else less able to deal with it doesn't have to. If that is my contribution to the world, if that is G-d's reasoning for why I am the one to have this tumor, then so be it. I can deal with that. I gave a unit of blood for myself on Tuesday so that if I needed it, it would be one less unit from the general supply that would have to be used for me. It's all the same thing. I have the capacity and strength to come through this with flying colors. And I will.

The final reason I am like Lance Armstrong is because we both face a challenge the same way. He says, "But if there is one thing I don't want to hear, it's that I can't do something. Telling me that is the best way to make sure I'll do it." I've been saying that for years.

Friday night, Rob and I went to see a play by Charles Mee called Wintertime at the Wilma Theater with Liz and Steve. We had seen another play by Charles Mee there last year, called Big Love. They were both definitely Mee works. He is a very modern playwright, and I have found both of the plays we have seen by him to be quite influenced by the surreal. The themes he addresses are universal (love, human nature, etc.), and I've never found his messages to be very deep, but he does present them in an entertaining, if not bizarre, manner. Wintertime is about a young couple in love. The boy takes his girlfriend to his parents summer home for New Year's where he is planning to propose. But when he gets there, he finds that both his parents have chosen to go there as well, independently of one another, with their respective lovers. Comedy, of course, ensues. All in all, I enjoyed the play, though I didn't find the "twist" all that surprising. There is a quite a bit of physicality to the play, and the choreography of it is enjoyable to watch. I do think that I would get more out of it if I were to see it again.

Saturday, I did a little bit of cleaning, though not nearly enough, and then we went to shellefly and J's birthday party. It was great fun, and I finally got to meet traceyleabeezus, elissa_carey, and Amanda, who's LJ name I can't remember, but might be smittywing. Lots of other folks were there, too, and we had a good time playing Scattegories and Chrononauts, and Shelle really liked her raspberry cheesecake!

Today, alannariva came over and we did some gardening. It was hard work, but my flower beds are now nice and clean and weeded, and the mulch is refreshed and new looking. We will plant some flowers next weekend. We were too tired to do it today. I hope the weather is as nice again. Today was beautiful. alannariva has said that she is trying to take a page from my book when it comes to her illnesses. She says that she admires how I don't let it take over my life, and I must say, I have really noticed her change in attitude over the last few weeks. I've seen her lots, which is great, and she seemed much happier today than she sometimes does. It was great to hang out with her and just talk about stuff. She even offered to come mow my lawn while I am recuperating, and that is a wonderful offer.

I still have some more cleaning I would like to get done tonight, and I also intend to finish filling out my Advanced Directives. That will put me pretty close to accomplishing all the things I wanted to this weekend. Hooray!

Right now, Abby Cat is staring out the window, chittering at a red-breasted robin that I am sure she would love to chase. I love the springtime! :)

The One and Only Replace Beth's Tumor Party was yesterday and I am a very fortunate girl. It was wonderful, and marvelous, and I was so happy to be surrounded by my friends and family, celebrating me. (Yes, perhaps the whole thing is a little egotistical, but I think I deserve that... I am going to have brain surgery, after all!) Apparently, there were a few people who could not see the humor and benefit of having a party like this. They thought I was saying goodbye to everyone I love, or something morbid like that. But in fact, the complete opposite is true. That party yesterday really was a celebration of me. Everyone showed me how special I really am, how creative, how much love I give to them. It touched me very deeply to have all of that love showered back upon me all at once. It's funny; I knew I would cry, but it never occurred to me to bring some tissues. (Liz and Steve of course had some, but that's not the point!) That is probably the only detail I didn't think about! Every other detail of that party was meticulously thought out. And it was perfect.

( Don't you want to know more? )

All-in-all, I am so glad I had this party. Brain surgery is the kind of thing that is so serious that you must laugh at it to keep things in perspective. It would be very easy to let it take over my life, but I refuse to do that. In fact, J. K. Rowling teaches this lesson very well in the Harry Potter books. Harry and the gang are facing a boggart in their Defense Against the Dark Arts Class. The boggart is a creature that takes the shape of whatever you most fear. To conquer it, you must picture this fearsome thing in a rediculous situation so that you can laught at it. Coming up with things to replace my tumor with is just like Neville picturing Professor Snape in his grandmother's clothes. "Ridiculous!"

I heard a very interesting story on Morning Edition on NPR this morning.

Take a listen if you have the time. It's about 7 minutes long: Research Links Mental, Physical Health

It really made me think about how I have been feeling over the last several years. Shortly after I was diagnosed with my brain tumor, I went to see a psychologist on Rob's recommendation. He promptly diagnosed me with dysthymia, which he defined as "mild depression for two or more years," and I kind of thought that diagnosis was a load of crap. I mean, did he even listen to me? I'm a pretty cheerful person! But I have had a certain underlying feeling of dissatisfaction or blah-ness for the last few years, and I really have been unable to pinpoint a cause. I really am very blessed, and don't have much to be legitimately sad about. And I have been unable to shake the mood, which drives me crazy. But if it is caused by these cytokines (sp?), then I can stop being bothered by it and move on, I think.

Last night, I gave Rob a really good, long back rub, and then convinced Abby Cat to sit on his back and purr for about 20 minutes. That was a feat, let me tell you! But everyone can benefit from KVT, not just people with brain tumors!

It was so busy, and I found no time to write. This last week has been a crazy whirlwind.

( The details )

Shelle told me that traceyleabeezus wanted to meet me after reading my LiveJournal, so I'm adding her to my friend list. Hi!

Lately, when I am unable to think of some helpful advice to give someone who has a problem of some sort, I have resorted to telling them, "At least it's not a brain tumor!" And I wonder if that isn't quite flippant of me? Or has my world view really shifted so much that I really believe it? When I say it, it's meant to lighten their spirit, but the more I think about it, the more I think it has a sort of condescending component to it. It's not like I think everyone else's problems are so much less important than mine... I don't. In fact, just because my current problem is so much more huge than other problems, that doesn't mean that other problems are any less significant to the people who have them. And I suppose there is a third option, too, that I just don't have the resources to deal with other problems right now, and I use that line as a self-defense or avoidance mechanism. Is it possible to run out of good or helpful advice?

I don't know whether to laugh or to cry at the latest entry in my calendar:

April 8, 2004: 6:00 am - 6:00 pm: Brain Surgery, Dr. Sen, St. Luke's Roosevelt Hospital, New York, NY

It's funny how everything can change in a five minute phone conversation.

And it's not like I didn't know it would be in the beginning of April sometime. But now I know exactly. The next day is Good Friday, and though I am not a Christian, I think that's a good sign. Passover starts that week, too, so I guess I get to get out of eating matzah all week. I'm pretty sure G-d will forgive me :) It's my Uncle David's Birthday. It's just over 2 weeks before E & A's wedding, so maybe I will be recovered enough to go. That is the only event I have in my calendar for the month of April. I didn't even look at my calendar when the doctor's office asked me if April 8 was okay. Of course it is okay! Would I really try to schedule around something for this? This really is the most important thing going on in my life right now.

I feel like I should have a million questions, but I can't think of them right now.

April 8 may be the day that changes my life forever, or it may just be a bump in the road. One thing is for certain: it won't be like any other day. I hope it's sunny.

1. You can own one Great piece of Art (you'll loan it to museums now and then so that the rest of the world can see it). Assuming you have the space for any piece you want, which one and why?
Any landscape of the American West by Albert Bierstadt. I saw an exhibit of his paintings at the National Gallery once, many years ago, and they still leave an impression on me. His canvases are so huge that you can get lost in the painting as if you were almost there.

2. What is your dream job?
Concert pianist chef for NASA who is a golf pro on the side. No seriously, I don't know. One where I could do something I love, that would help others, and allow me to make an impact on the world. And make lots of money :) I'd probably have a lot of fun being a wedding planner, but it doesn't fit the making an impact on the world bill. Maybe I could be an event planner for non-profit organizations. I could totally organize charity balls!

3. Who are some of your favorite authors (and why)?
I really love most of the things I have read by Orson Scott Card, though he does get a little preachy for my tastes on occasion. He writes engaging stories from a wide variety of genres, and they are always well-researched. I do love the Game of Thrones series by George R. R. Martin (and thank you shellefly for getting me hooked!) though I haven't read anything else of his. I love J. K. Rowling for the Harry Potter books, but I must admit I didn't enjoy the fifth one as much as the rest. I think I need to give it another read or two though. I love Steven Brust. His characters and worlds are so well-developed, and even though they are fantastical, they are still accessible. His characters still seem human.

4. If you could choose more money or more time, which would you choose and why?
This is a hard question, because I'd really like both, so I have to figure out which will be better for getting me more of the other. I think the answer is time, because that time can be used in so many different ways, including for making more money. I'm always wishing I had more hours in the day, and all the money in the world won't get me that.

5. Space travel or African Safari?
Space travel, no contest.


And now: THE RULES
1 - Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2 - I will respond; I'll ask you five questions.
3 - You'll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
4 - You'll include this explanation.
5 - You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed

Also, if anyone else wants to interview me, leave your 5 questions in the comments

1. If you could go back in time to view or take part in any one event, what would it be?
Oh, so many choices! But since I must only pick one, I pick the Constitutional Convention. That room was filled with greatness, and I would be honored and humbled by being in its presence. Those men had such vision, and I would like to let them know that they created a powerful, long-lasting document that guides our nation today as well as it did at the beginning.

2. How do you think your "charmed life" has affected your ability to deal with your recent health woes?
Well, it's certainly kept me from jumping off a cliff :) I truly believe that when all is said and done with my tumor, I will be fine. I know that life will never hand me something that I am not capable of dealing with, and I will be stronger in the end for having faced adversity. And it makes the good times that much sweeter. I have tried to face the whole situation with humor, because I think if I really stopped to think about how scary it is, I would be crying all the time.

3. What is one song you've always wanted to perform? (I know it's been a while since you've sung, but...)
You know, I've never been a soloist (though I guess the question doesn't really ask about being a soloist...), but I wish I had sung "The Chickens In the Army" at my grandfather's burial. When I was little, both of my grandparents used to sing goofy songs to me, and when my grandmother died, my mother and I sang the Bumblebee Song she used to sing for me. I don't know what kept me from singing for my grandfather, but I kind of wish I had.

4. How many cats is too many and why?
I think the answer is different for each person. The mundane answer is that it depends on finances and living arrangements. But since there is a good likelihood that I will end up with five someday in the not-so-distant future, I'll have to go with six as being too many. Why? There's not enough time in the day to pay attention to them all and still hold down a job so you can afford them :)

5. What literary character do you most identify with?
I don't know if I identify with her most of all literary characters, but I do identify with Valentine Wiggins from the Ender books by Orson Scott Card. She is brilliant and wants to make the world a better place. She loves her family, and wants to protect and empower them. She is a mediator and a peacemaker. Her love is her weakness, too.

And now: THE RULES
1 - Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2 - I will respond; I'll ask you five questions.
3 - You'll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
4 - You'll include this explanation.
5 - You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed

Also, if anyone else wants to interview me, leave your 5 questions in the comments